









\ 






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The Carolyn Wells 
Year Book 



OF 



Old Favorites and New Fancies 
for 1909 



Pictures for Each Month by Mrs. M. E. Leonard, 

with Cover and 12 Sketches by Miss Bertha Stuart, 

and Further Pictures by C. De Fornaro, 

Oliver Herford, and Strothmann 




NEW YORK 

HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 



UBKARYof CGNGRE6S 

iwu CoDies r(ec«iye« 

SEP 9 . WOb 

2-/ O^ioLj^/ 



2 5-3:? 



Copyright, 1908, 



HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 



The pictures for the months by Mrs. M. E. Leonard, 
Copyright, 1903, by the Century Company. 



Published September^ IQ08 



TO 

My Best Beloved Cousin 
ggiineB Smgtl) 



CONTENTS 

General Misinformation. 

Time's Resolutions. 

Rates of Postage (Revised). 

January. With picture by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

Maxims for the New Year — The Tutor — The 

4:04 Train ....... January 

The Rubaiyat of Little Old New York. Head- 
piece by Miss Bertha Stuart 

Recent Scientific Progress and Invention 

The Spelling Lesson. With picture by Oliver 
Herford .... . . 

Stage Whispers. 

February. With picture by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

''N'Yawk's de Place": a Rondeau . 

Lincoln's Birthday ...... 

Old Valentines. Headpiece by Miss Bertha 
Stuart ........ 

George Washington and That Cherry Tree . 

March. With picture by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

A Penitential Week. With picture by Oli\kr 
Herford ....... 

Financial Insurance ..... 

Saint Patrick's Day. A\'ith headpiece l)y Miss 
Bertha Stuart ...... 

Tips for Investors ...... 

The P'inancial Vampire. With a])()l()«^ics to Kip- 
ling. 

April. With i)i(ture by Mrs. M. K. Lkonard. 

April Fool. With dra\vin«^ by Miss Hi.imiia 

Stuart ....... Manh -\S -April 

Lent. A Universal I'Ikkor ... \pril .\ 10 

\' 



January 3-16 




January 17-23 




January 24-30 




Jan. 3 1 -Feb. 6 




February 7-13 




Fcl^ruarv 14-20 




February 21-27 




Feb. 28-March 


6 


Manh 7-13 




Manli 14-20 




Manh Ji-27 





VI Contents 

An Easter Bonnet. With drawing by Oliver 

Herford April 11-17 

/Esop Up to Date: The Milkmaid and Her Pail 

OF Milk April 18-24 

Ode to Spring. 

May. With drawing by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

To ]MovE OR Not to Move. With drawing by Miss 

Bertha Stu.art ...... April 25 -May i 

To A :MiLK:iiAiD. AMth drawing by Oliver Her- 
ford ........ May 2-8 

A Spring Picture ...... May 9-15 

Specimen Page from the New^ Blue-ribbon 

Cook-book ....... May 16-22 

About Abbie . . . . . . . May 23-29 

June. With drawing by Mrs. Leonard. 

The Rubaiyat of Summer Khay'yam. A\'ith 

drawing by ]SIiss Bertha Stuart . . . May 30-June 5 

The Sophisticated ]Maiden .... June 6-12 

Disintegration of Peggy .... June 13-19 

Cupid's Failure. . . . . . . June 20-26 

July. With drawing by ]Mrs. ]M. E. Leonard. 

Summer School OF Philosophy .... June 27-July 3 

Fourth of July, 1909. Headpiece by Miss Bertha 

Stuart ........ July 4-10 

Pro\'erbial Patriotism ..... July 11-17 

A Warning to the Summer Girl . . . July 18-24 

A Tale of the Tropics. With drawing by C. De 

Fornaro ....... July 25-31 

August. With drawing by ]Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

Vindication of the Limerick: being the orig- 
inal ''Lady and the Tiger," with such ver- 
sions AS might have been made by Chaucer, 
Dobson, Rossetti, Omar, Tennyson, Kipling, 
Browning, Poe, and Longfelloav. With four 
drawings by Strothmann .... August 1-7 

A Hen Who Resided in Reading j 

There Was a Young Lady of Butte ( Limericks: August 

There Once Was an Honest Old Goose t 8-14 

There Once Was an Affable Liar J 



Contents vii 

A Primer of Literature ..... August 15-21 

The Passing of the Summer Girl. With deccj ra- 
tion by Miss Bertha Stuart .... August 22-28 

September. With drawing by Mrs. M. E. Leon- 
ard. 

An Automobile Primer ..... Aug. 29-Sept. 4 

A Modern Damosel. With apologies to Rossetti. Sept. 5-1 1 

Greeting to an Automobile. With decoration 

tion by Miss Bertha Stuart .... Sept. 12-18 

''I Remember, I Kemember the Car I Used to 

Drive" ....... September 19-25 

October. With drawing by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

Proverbs of New York Streets . . . Sept. 25-Oct. 2 

Bubbles of Wisdom ...... October 3-9 

Chromo in Prose ...... October 10-16 

The Flatiron. With drawing by Miss Bertha 

Stuart ........ October 17-23 

The Heart of the City ..... October 24-30 

November. With drawing by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

Election Day ....... Oct. 31 -Nov. 6 

The A B C of Golf ...... November 7-13 

The Hippodrome. With picture by Miss Bertha 

Stuart ........ November 14-20 

Thanksgiving Day ...... November 21-27 

December. With drawing by Mrs. M. E. Leonard. 

The Land of Loo-la-lee: a Nonsense Song . Nov. 28-Dec. 4 

When Santa Claus and Cupid Met: a Legend . December 5-1 1 

Out OF All Proportion ..... December 12-1S 

Her Christmas Shopping ..... December 19-25 

A Spendthrift. **The Year Was Departing — 
The Very Last Day." With picture by Miss 
Bertha Stuart ...... December 26-31 

Metropolitan Guide-book and Dictionary of 
Later New York. 



General Misinformation. 



Eclipses. 



As usual, there are no real good eclipses in 1909. From 
childhood, we have turned each year to the first pages of the 
almanac in hope of a good rousing eclipse, only to find that 
of the three or four miserable little affairs offered, most are 
annular eclipses or lunar appulses (whatever they are!), and 
are visible only from uninhabited and inaccessible islands in 
the Pacific ocean. This year is no exception. 



Legal Holidays. 

The legal holidays in the United States are badly distrib- 
uted, and they ought to be shuffled and dealt again. Feb- 
ruary 12th and 2 2d are too near together, and it's a bad month 
to go holidaying anyhow. In June, August, and October, 
the most desirable months for picnicking, there are no holi- 
days. All summer, from July 4th till Labor Day, life is an 
unbroken grind. 



Fixed and Movable Feasts. 

Fixed Feasts are Afternoon Teas, Public Dinners, and 
Wedding Breakfasts. 

Movable Feasts are those eaten at sea. 



Chronological Cycles. 

Dominical Letters, T. R. 
Golden Number, 23. 



Rates of Postage. (Revised.) 

First Class: Polite Literature, Love Letters, Valentines, 
Certified Checks, Money Orders, and Invitations to Dinner, 
2 c. per oz. 

Second Class : Most Newspapers and nearly all Magazines, 
when mailed by the Public, i c. per 4 oz. 

Third Class: Novels, Nature Books, Circulars, Plants, 
I c. per 2 oz. 

Fourth Class: Merchandise, Hats, Chinaware, Dress Sam- 
ples, Notions, I c. per oz. 

Unfit for the Mails: Bills Payable, Duns, Begging Letters. 

Morning and Evening Stars. 

(See Dramatic Notes.) 

Table of the Metric System. 

Ten mills make one million. 

Ten millions make one millionaire. 

Ten millionaires make one Oil Company. 

New Lamps for Old is the watchword of the day, and so 
we present herewith the new Zodiac, now for the first time 
given to the Public. 

It is an improvement in every way upon its predecessor, 
and will well repay thoughtful study. 



Time's Resolutions. 

a /""^OOD gracious me!" said Father Time, 

As he heard the pealing midnight chime, 
" That's the end of 1908 
And 1909 is now the date. 
Ho! Paper and pens," to his page he spake, 
**My good resolutions I must make. 
For with every new year it devolves 
On me to make some fresh resolves. 
Now, of late, I've heard many people scold 
Because I've persisted in making them old. 
And as by their sorrow my heart is wrung, 
I'll resolve hereafter to make them young. 
There's another thing at which they rebel, — 
They often say, angrily, ' Time will tell!' 
So I now resolve that I never again 
Will tell a thing to mortal men. 
And then they have placed me under a ban 
Because Tide and I will wait for no man. 
Now, of course, for Tide I can not speak. 
But hereafter I'll wait for a man a week. 
Then there are some who think it wrong 
Because so slowly I drag along; 
So I'll resolve to hasten my gait 
And hurry on at a rapid rate. 
But there are others who arc downcast 
Because, they say, I fly so fast! 
Oh, deary me! What can I do? 
I can't go fast and slowly too. 
Well, the resolutions these pcoj)le make, 
The very next day they're sure to break. 
The whole thing a useless farce I call, 
And I think I won't make any at all!" 



Maxims for the New Year. 



^ 



A man is known by the resolutions he keeps. 

A little New Year is a dangerous thing. 

Celebration is the thief of time. 

Only a fool never minds his change. \ 

The patient restaurant waiter is no loser. j 

A bird in the hand is as good as a feast. 

Money makes the time go. 

One touch of New Year's makes the whole world kin. 

Abstinence will happen in the best-regulated families. 

One swallow does not make the world go round. 

A fool and his money corrupt good manners. 

A rolling gait gathers remorse. 

Let us eat, drink, and be married, for to-morrow we dye. 



January 1-2, 1909 



THE TUTOR 

A TUTOR who tooted the flute, 

Tried to teach two young tutors to toot; 
Said the two to the tutor, 
*' Is it harder to toot or 
To tutor two tooters to toot ? ' ' 



THE 4:04 TRAIN 

' I ^HERE'S a train at 4 : 04," said Miss Jenny ; 
*' Four tickets I'll take. Have you any? " 
Said the man at the door : 
*' Not four for 4 : 04, 
For four for 4 : 04 is too many/' 



Fri. I 



Nevy Year's Day. 



Sat. 2 




The Rubaiyat of 

Little Old 

New York.* 



V\/'AKE, for the Sun, who scattered into flight 

The Stars who loitered homeward through the Xight, 
Drives Xight along with them, and boldly strikes 
The Flatiron Building with a Shaft of Light. 

Now the New Year reviving old Resolves, 

The thoughtful Soul much Good Intent evolves; 

Then the Glad Hand of some Convivial Friend, 
Puts out, and once again the World Revolves. 

Think, in this batter' d, beautiful Broadway, 
AMiose Portals bid you Welcome, Xight and Day, 

How many a Politician with his Pomp 
Abode his destined Hour, and went his way. 

Each Morn a thousand Pleasures brings, you say; 
Yes, but where goes the Fun of Yesterday ? 

And the first Summer month of Kaltenborn 
Shall take Damrosch and Butterfly away. 

Well, let it take them! \Miat have we to do 
With Miss Maud Adams or with Mr. Drew? 

Let the Tragedians bluster as they will, 
Or Soubrettes call to Supper — heed not you. 

Indeed, the Horse Show's gone, with all its clothes, 
And Barnum's three-ring'd circus, no one knows; 

But still Diana poses as a Vane, 
And many a Spectacle the Garden shows. 

I sometimes think that never blows so sweet 
The Rose, as on the Stands along the street; 
(See following week.) 

* Copyright, 1904, by Life Publishing Co. 



Sun. 3 



MoN. 4 - 



TuES. 5 



Wed. 6 



Thur. 7 



Fri. 8 



January 3-9, 1909 



Sat. 9 



The Rubaiyat of Little Old New York— Continued). 

And every Hyacinth and Daffodil 

The Florist's windows show, we love to Greet, 

A Book cf Verses or of Prose, maybe. 
Some Pictures now and then, to go and see; 

Caruso sinsing in the Opera — 
New York were Paradise enow for me. 

Perhaps a Musicale at half -past Three; 
Thin Bread and Butter, and a cup of Tea; 
Some little talk awhile of Me and Thee 
There was — and then no more of Thee and Me. 

Indeed, indeed, the Broadway cars of yore 
Were often blocked at Grand Street, or before; 

And then, and then came Spring, and like as not 
We'd be held up for twenty minutes more! 

Why. if a Man can fling his Haste aside, 
.\nd daily in the air of Heaven ride, 

Were't not a Shame — ^were't not a Shame for him 
In the close Subway stifling to abide ? 

Whose secret Presence, through the City's veins, 
Running Quicksilver-like its metal trains: 

Bringing all shapes from Harlem and The Bronx; 
They change at City Hall — ^but It remains. 

When you and I have passed away for aye. 

Oh, but the long, long while Xew York shall stay, 

Which of our Coming and Departure heeds 
As Automobiles heed the men they slay. 

A Moment's Halt — a momentary smell 
Of Gasoline. A whirr, a toot, a yell — 

And Lo! The Automobile has gone by. 
The Nothing it ran over? Wot t* ell I 

Ah, Love, could You and I make it our Biz 
To grasp this sorry Town of AMiirr and Whiz; 

Would we not shatter it to bits — and then 
Re-mould it just exactly as it is? 
Tamam. 



Sun. io- 



MON. II- 



TUES. 12- 



Wed. 13 . 



Thur. 14- 



Fri. 15 



January 10-16, 1909 



Sat. 16 



Recent Scientific Progress and Invention. 

A CLE\'ER young inventor has turned his talent to good 
account in making a virtue of necessity. 
He buys up a quantity of necessities, whidi may be had at 
a low price in any department store. 

These he makes into virtues, and so great Is the d^nand 
at present for this line of goods, that he has no difficulty in 
disposing of his wares. 

This industry, advanced to proper proportions, will j&ll a 
long-felt want. 

Among other rapid srriies made by the rreat science of 
applied electricity is :: r :e for the : : r :" elec- 

tric-light verse. At :-- ^ : : rine cos: d. :t " be 

produced that is said v: t re 7 e: i.ncy all 

others in the market. T:ic ii.^::: :ir - ;:: 1-:. :il a con- 
denser and an adjustable meter. 

An improved rapid-fire gun nas already had its patent ap- 
plied for. As its name indicates, this invention is for the pur- 
pose of shooting the rapids, and will doubdess prove to be a 
decided improvement on the old-fashioned barreL 

A -: er : r . rurser.niAii is making a specialty of the 

7 ambush. Heretofore, the wild and un- 

e e : - :* this valuable bush have afforded but 

5 T : r brave soldiers. The fine, improved 

:^ : f re : 5 A^ 5nd a ready market among the 

Gc<iicrs in ^r^^y 5^pp..ci. The new ambushes are warranted 

hardy, impenetrable, and capable of transplantation to any 

climate. 



Sun. 17 



MoN. 18- 



TuES. 19 



Wed. 20 



Thur. 21 



Fri. 22 



January 17 23, 1909 



Sat. 23 




The Spelling Lesson.* 

WHEN Venus said: '^Spell ^^ for me," 
^'N-0," Dan Cupid wrote with glee, 
And smiled at his success; 
*'Ah, child/' said Venus, laughing low, 
**We women do not spell it so. 
We spell it Y-E-S.'' 

* Picture and verses from Idle Idyls, Copyright , 1900, by Dodd Mead and 
Company. 



Sun. 24. 



MoN. 25- 



TUES. 26. 



Wed. 27. 



Thur. 28.. 



Fri. 29.. 



Sat. 30 



January 24-30, 1909 



Stage Whispers. 

J])EADHEADS tell no tales. 

Stars are stubborn things. 
All's not bold that titters. 
Contracts make cowards of us all. 
One good turn deserves an encore. 
A little actress is a dangerous thing. 
It's a long skirt that has no turning. 
Stars rush in where angels fear to tread. 
Managers never hear any good of themselves. 
A manager is know^n by the company he keeps. 
A plot is not without honor save in comic opera. 
Take care of the dance and the songs will take care of them- 
selves. 



THE Zodiacal sign for February is 
the Turtle Dove. Those born 
under this sign are of amatory ten- 
dencies and affectionate dispo- 
sition. This is a good 
month to marry, 
which case the Zo- 
diacal sign is 
called the 
Ring Dove. 




N'Yawk's de Place 1 

A Rondeau. 

^ 'YAWK'S de place ! \\]iy people go 
To foreign cities, I don' know. 
Why, they ain't nothin' can compare 
Wid our teayters anywhere, 

An' ain't our goils de peaches, though? 

Them London buildins' awful low; 
x\n' Paris — that ain't such a showl 
Why, nothin' s doin' over there — 
X'Yawk's de place! 

Gee! In X'Yawk's dere's nothin' slow; 

An' say, X'Yawkers' got de dough! 
Our gents have such a bossy air. 
An' loidies — dey is swells fer fair! 

An' ain't Broadway the greatest! oh, 
X'Yawk's de place! 



January 3i-February 6, 1909 
Sun. 31 - 



MON. I 



TUES. 2 



Wed. 3 



Thur. 4 



Fri. 5 



Sat. 6 



Lincoln's Birthday. 

A LL Americans love, honor, and revere Abraham Lincoln 
for his nobility of character, his splendid statesmanship, 
his rugged honesty of purpose, his great work of abolition, and, 
finally, his martyrdom. But after reverently subscribing to 
all of these, let us add one more leaf, tiny though it be, to his 
laurel wreath. Abraham Lincoln had a wonderful sense of 
humor. He loved a joke better than any other President, 
and this trait in no way detracted from the grandeur of his 
nature. 



Sat. 13 



Fehruary 7-13, 1909 



Sun. 7 



MoN. 8 



TUES. 9 



Wed. 10 . 



Thur. II- 



Fri. 12 



Lincoln's Hirtliday. 




Old Valentines. 

T T OW rapidly Time shifts the scene. 
^ -'■ Again it is St. Cupid's day, 
And I must send to my Rosine 

A gorgeous valentine bouquet. 

Last year T sent the same to May — 
Heigh-ho! I've led a blithe career — 

They'd make a rather long array, 
My valentines of yester-year. 

In years beginning v^ith i8 — 

I was unfettered, free, and gay; 
Each maiden seemed to me a queen, 

And to each one my court I'd pay. 

Now I'm engaged. Ah, well-away! 
Rosin a is a perfect dear. 

But I would better not display 
My valentines of yester-year. 

No memories shall come between 
My love and me. And I'll essay 

To keep her life calm and serene. 

And love her when she's old and gray: 
Her lightest wish I will obey. 

But still — I hope she'll never hear 
Those verses that I wrote in play, 

My valentines of yester-year. 

V Envoi. 
Cupid, my secrets ne'er betray. 

Let me not realize my fear; 
And may they be destroyed, I pray, 

My valentines of yester-year. 



February 14-20, 1909 



Sun. 14 



St. Valentine's Day. 



MoN. 15 



TUES. 16 



Wed. 17- 



Thur. 18. 



Fri. 19 - 



Sat. 20 



That Cherry Tree.^ 

VOU'VE heard o'er and o'er 
Descriptions galore 
Of General Washington's glory; 

But I'll tell you, forsooth, 

A tale of his youth, 
A hitherto unwritten story. 

When George was a boy, 

It was his great joy 
To save up the pennies he got 

In order to buy 

On Fourth of July 
Some firecrackers, powder and shot. 

Xow of course, as you know, 

This was long, long ago. 
But we were a lusty young nation; 

And the Fourth of July 

Wasn't let to go by 
Without a good big celebration. 

One day, we are told, 
\\Tien about eight years old, 
George hadn't a cent in his pocket; 

The holiday came, 
And to his great shame 
He couldn't buy pinwheel or rocket. 

(See next week for conclusion.) 
♦Copyright, 1900, by The Youth's Companion. 



February 21-27, 1909 



Sun. 21. 



MoN. 22. 



Washington's Birthday. 



TuES 23. 



Wed. 24-. 



Thur. 25 



Fri. 26 



Sa'I'. 27 



That Cherry TreQ~{Con tinned). 

But suddenly he 
Bethought, with a tree 

A fire he could make and be merry ; 
He soon chopped one down, 
'Twas the pride of the town, 

His kind father's favorite cherr}'! 

A bonhre he made 

To greet the parade 
On the night of the Fourth of July; 

WTien his father said, '^Son! 

Oh, what have you done?" 
George said, "T can;z^/ tell a lie. 

^'I chopped down your tree, 
Because, — daddy, you see, 

Xo hreworks at all could I get." 
His kind father smiled. 
And said, ''My dear child, 

I think you'll be President yetl" 

Xow this tale 7}2ay be true, 

But between me and you. 
They didn't keep Fourth of July 

When George was a youth. 

If he vouched for its truth 
I fear he n'as tellino; a lie. 



■t 



npHE Zodiacal sign for March is the March Hare. 
^ We don't know who was born in this month, but 
probably all Hatters (especially Ladies' Hatters) and 
most poets. A poet born this month, no matter how 
mad he is, may come in like a lion, and be treated as 
such by the best society. Or, again, he may go out 
like a lamb, and get fleeced in Wall Street. 

The March Hare, though a mythical character, is 
symbolical, and people born under this sign are often 
clever enough to steal a march. 



MARCH 



^^^W 



> a 



.'SX 



■O,.-- 



fe!^^ 






From Idle Idyls. Copyright, 1900, by Dodd Mead and Company. 



February 2 8-March 6, 1909 



Sun. 28. 



MON. I 



TUES. 2 



Wed. 3 



Thur. 4 



Fri. 5 



Sat. 6 



Ash Wednesday. 



Financial Assurance. 

INVESTIGATION is the thief of crime. 

A STOCK EXCHANGE is no robbery 
A PENNY shaved is two earned. 
GRAFT levels all ranks. 
THE root of money is the love of all evil. 
WTIERE ignorance pays best, His folly to get wise. 
MANY hands make light-fingered work. 
A PROFIT is not without honor, save in Wall Street. 
A NEW boom sweeps clean. 
A MAN with a pull is worth two with a push. 
IT is more blessed to give than to rebate. 
A LITTLE system is a dangerous thing. 
PRESIDENTS will happen in the best-regulated companies. 
A MAN is known by the Company he floats. 
TAKE care of the books and the funds will take care of them- 
selves. 
MONOPOLY is the best policy. 

A GOOD graft is rather to be chosen than great riches. 
THERE'S no tool like an old fool. 
DON'T kill the goose that buys the golden brick. 
ONLY a fool never changes his mine. 
IT is not good for man to make a loan. 
HE grafts best whose graft lasts. 
THE wages of syndicate is debt. 



Sun. 7 



MoN. 8 



TuES. 9 



Wed. io . 



Thur. II. 



Fri. 12 



March 7-13, 1909 



Sat. 13 




St. Patrick's Day. 

CAINT PATRICK was a noble saint, a noble saint was he; 

But why he's celebrated, is a mystery to me. 
I've hunted long and patiently through many a dusty book. 
But can't find where he used to live, or how he used to look. 
Of course I know tradition says that he invented snakes; 
(Or else the snakes invented him, — small difference it makes!) 
But no one cares for history in the bustle of to-day, 
So never mind his origin, St. Patrick's here to stay. 
In honor of no other Saint, such fine parades are seen; 
So, Hail to old St. Patrick! and the Wearin' of the Green! 



Marcfi 14-20, 1909 



Sun. 14 . 



MoN. 15. 



TUES. 16- 



Wed. 17 



Thur. 18 



Fri. 19 



Sat. 20 



St. Patrick's Day. 



Tips For Investors. 

nriNNED-BEEF dealers should buy Can. Pac. 

Inmates of an insane asylum, Am. Loco. 
A new policeman, Greene Cop. 
The man who didn't win, Am. Beet. 
The bunco man. Con. Gas. 
The grafter, U. S. Steel. 

The elevated-road conductor, Mong. Shosh. Con. 
The Broadway squad. Majestic Copper. 
The spinster, Man. Beach. 
The new arrival, Un. Pac. 
The burglar's child. Pa. Steel. 
The sweet young thing, Am. Sugar. 
The Boston Culture Club, Mass. Gas. 
The convivialist, City Ry. 
The Pittsburg man, go to Maryland and Wash. 



iMarch 21-27, 1909 
Sun. 21 - - - 



MON. 22 



TuES. 23- 



Wed. 24.. 



.Thur. 25 



Fri. 26.. 



Sat. 27 



The Financial Vampire. 

(With apologies to Kipling.) 

A FOOL there was, and he bought some stock, 
-^"^ (Even as you and II) 
He was told it was strong as eternal rock ; 
(We called him a lamb of the newest flock) 
But the fool he bought an enormous block 
(Even as you and II) 

Oh, the risks we take and the deals we make, 
And the spoil of our head and hand. 
Belong to the Magnate who knew too much, 
(And now we know that he knew too much) 
But we didn't understand. 

A fool there was and his stock he sold, 

(Even as you and II) 
And then, with a bound, it upward rolled, 
(At the word of the Magnate who controlled) 
But the fool was scared and his feet got cold, 
. (Even as you and II) 

Oh, the toil we lost and the spoil we lost, 
And the excellent gains we planned. 
Belong to the ^I agnate who knew too much, 
(And now we know that he knew too much) 
But we didn't understand. 

A fool there was and his stock he held, 

(Even as you and II) 
And the price went down like a tree that's felled, 
(Yet somehow the ^Magnate's surplus swelled), 
But Ruin for that same fool was spelled, 

(Even as you and II) 

And it isn't the dross and it isn't the loss 
That stings like a redhot brand. 
It's coming to know that we don't know much, 
(Seeing at last we can never know much), 
And never can understand. 




FOR April the Zodiacal sign is the Donkey, 
who is the April Fool of the animal king- 
dom. He doesn't even know enough to go in 
when it rains. Men born under this sign arc 
stubborn and difficult to manage, and are often 
known as kickers. Ladies born under this sign 
are given to sudden bursts of tears, followed 
quickly by sunshiny smiles. They, too, arc 
sometimes high kickers. In this month A])ril 
Hopes abound, and are largely indulged in by 
\])ril Fools. Th(T(^'s no fool lik(^ an April Fool. 




April Fool. 

'X'HE rain came down in torrents, 

And Mabel said, ''O Dear! 
I'll have to wear my waterproof, 
And rubbers, too, I fear.'' 



So, carefully protected. 
She started off to school; 

When suddenly the sun came out 
And chuckled, ^^ April Fool!" 



March 28-April 3, 1909 



Sun. 28 



MoN. 29 



TuES. 30 - 



Wed. 31 



Thur. I 



Fri. 2 



Sat. 3 



All Fools' Day. 



Lent. 

^HE World said: "You look tired, Old Chap.'' 

"Yes/' said the Devil, "Methinks 
It must be time for my annual nap, — 
I'll just take forty winks." 

A Universal Error. 

"Vr O W here's a thing that puzzles me, 

A grave mistake it seems to be ; 
Why do we say our years are spent, 
When part of every one is Lent ? 



April 4-10, 1909 



Sun. 4 



MoN. 5 



TuES. 6 



Wed. 7 



Thur. 8 



Fri. 9 



Sat. 10 



Good F'riday. 



An Easter Bonnet.'*' 

ONCE there was an Easter Ixmnct 
With some wings and feathers on it. 
And a tiny, shiny biukle in a bit of ribbon shirred. 
Said the ladies, "Please inform us 
Why its bill is so enormous," 

And that foolish little Easter bonnet thought it was a bird! 

It slylv watched its chances, 
And, escaping people's glances. 

It flew straight out the window and it lighted on a tree. 
With fear its wings were quaking 
And its little frame was shaking. 

But it sat there smiling bravely though 'twas frightened as could 
be. 

Said the birds, "You're of our feather, 
Come and let us flock together." 

But the bonnet answered proudly, "I'm exclusive and select; 
And although I could be pleasant 
To an ostrich or a pheasant, 

For me to herd with common birds you really can't expect." 

Said a hunter, "This is pretty, 
I will take it home to Kitty," 

Then he aimed his gun and shot it, and it fell without a word. 
Then it gave a final flutter, 
And pertly seemed to mutter, 

"Well, after all, I'd rather be a Bonnet than a Bird." 




*From Idle Idyls. Copyright, 1900, by Dodd Mead and Company. 



Sun. II 



MON. 12- 



TuES. 13- 



Wed. 14 



Thur. 15- 



Fri. 16 - 



April 11-17, 1909 



Sat. 17 



-/Esop Up to Date. 

The Milkmaid and Her Pail of Milk. 

A MILKMAID having been a Good Girl for a long Time, 
and Careful in her Work, her mistress gave her a Pail 
of New Milk all for herself. 

With the Pail on her Head she tripped Gayly away to the 
Market, saying to Herself: 

''How Happy I am! For this Milk I shall get a Shilling; 
and with that Shilling I shall buy Twenty of the Eggs Laid by 
our Neighbor's fine Fowls. These Eggs I shall put under 
Mistress's old Hen, and even if only Half of the Chicks grow 
up and Thrive before next Fair time comes Round, I shall 
be able to Sell them for a Good Guinea. Then I shall Buy 
me a Monte Carlo Coat and an Ermine Stole, and I will Look 
so Bewitching that Robin will Come Up and Offer to be Friends 
again. But I won't make up Too Easily; when he Brings 
me Violets, I shall Toss My Head So-and " 

Here the Milkmaid gave her Head the Toss she was think- 
ing about, and the Pail of Milk was Dislodged from its rest- 
ing-Place on her Head. 

But, being a Member of a Ladies' Physical Culture Club, 
she Deftly Caught the Pail and Replaced It. 

All Turned Out as she had planned, and when Robin mar- 
ried her he gave her an Electric Automobile. 

Moral : 
Don't Discount Your Chickens Before thev are Hatched. 



April 18-24, 1909 



Sun. 18. 



MoN. 19 



TuES. 20.. 



Wed. 21 



TiiUR. 22.. 



Fki. 23 



Sa r. 24 



t 



Ode to Spring. 

T-J AIL, gentle Spring, and rain, and snow! 

And let thy wild nor'westers blow. 
Bring us the damp and drizzling days, 
With intermittent sunny rays. 
Let sickly daisies crown thy hills, 
And unsuccessful daffodils; 
Let all the streets be mud and mire, 
And let us hover round the fire, 
WTiile we the truth about thee sing, 
L^ncertain, disappointing Spring! 



F 



B 



TjlTTAY is the month of organ-grinders, and the ]Mon- 
key is the Zodiacal sign. Those born this 
month show a remarkable reversion to type, and 
sometimes betray their Simian origin. Also, they are 
apt to have a fad of collecting coins. We don't 
know who was born this month, but probably Dar- 
win was. People born in May are apt to be of a rest- 
less, roving temperament, and often prefer moving 
to paying rent. The first of the month they fold 
their beds like the Arabs {cf. Folding Bedouins), and 
noisily steal away. 





To Move, or Not to Move (^lay istj. 

'^r'O move, or not to move: that is the question: 
-*- Whether 'tis better in this flat to suffer 
The slings and arrows of an outraged landlord. 
Or to take one with seven light rooms in Harlem, 
^A'ithout an elevator. 

To pack, to move; 
No more; and by that move to say we end 
The subway jar and other natural shocks 
This flat is heir to, 'tis a consummation 
Devoutly to be wished. To pack, to move; 
To move perchance to worse! Ay, there's the rub; 
For in that Harlem fl.at what ills may come 
When we have given up this present lease, 
]Must give us pause: there's the respect 
That makes this Home, Sweet Home, so hard a life; 
For who would bear the troubles of a flat. 
The janitor's tongue, the proud cook's contumely, 
The smells of others' meals, the milk's delay, 
The violence of tradesmen, the steam heat 
(That always is too little or too much), 
When he himself might a quietus have 
In a small boarding-house ? Who'd stay here in gloom 
But that the dread of Harlem, far away. 
That undiscovered countr}- where is born 
The frisky goat, and sad-faced straphanger 
Traveling hours on end, puzzles the will 
And makes us rather keep the flat we have 
Than move to others that we know not of. 
Thus moving-day makes cowards of us all, 
And thus the happy thought of better quarters 
Is sicklied o'er with thought of broken things 
When enterprising movers pitch and tumble 
The barreled bric-a-brac and boxed-up glass, 
And we dare not bring action! 



Sun. 25 



MoN. 26 



TuES. 27 - 



Wed. 28 



Thur. 29. 



Fri. 30 



Sat. I . 



April 25-MAY i, 1909 



To a Milkmaid.* 

T HAIL thee, O Milkmaid! 

■■• Goddess of the gaudy morn, Hail! 

Across the mead tripping, 

Invariably across the mead tripping, 

The merry mead with cowslips blooming, 

With daisies blooming, 

The ^lilkmaid also more or less blooming! 

I hail thee, O Milkmaid! 

I recognize the value of thy pail in literature 
and art. 

AA hat were a pastoral poet without thee ? 

Oh, I know thee, Milkmaid! 

I hail thy jaunty juvenescence. 

I know thy eighteen summers and thy 
eternal springs. 

Ay, I know thy trials! 

I know how thou art outspread over pastoral 
poetry. 
Rampant, ubiquitous, inevitable, thy riotings in pastoral poetry. 
And in masterpieces of pastoral art! 
How oft have I seen thee sitting; 
On a tri-legged stool sitting; 
On the wrong side of the cow sitting; 
Garbed in all thy preposterous paraphernalia. 
I know thy paraphernalia — 

Yea, even thy impossible milkpail and thy improbable bodice. 
Short-skirted Siren! 
Big-hatted Beauty! 

What were the gentle spring without thee ? 
I hail thee! 

I hail thy vernality, and I rejoice in thy hackneyed ubiquitousness. 
I hail the superiority of thy inferiorness, and 
I lay at thv feet this garland of gratuitous 
Hails! 

*From Idle Idyls. Copyright, 1900, by Dodd Mead and Company. 




Sun. 2 



MoN. 3 



TuES. 4 



Wed. 5 



Thur. 6 



Fri. 7 



Sat. 8 



May 2-8, 1909 



A Spring Picture. 

^TURXER ^ ^ ily 5cariet hills, 

A :; * :: T ':.:,! : : nno^heie; 

The ^ ^ :: r r :'^.z: r :: :; 7 :: soman rills, 
.\:. : ^ ? Z jnheur cx>w was grazu^ near. 

A ::f t: : r r ~ i- z : n the Verestschagin sky, 

T 7 7 r r 7 7 J : : doiids o'er^nead; 

A lanky Bume-J t liden, with a halo, wandered by, 

WTiile a Millet r^s : r f and hung his head. 

The primrose at the old stand, UoGsmned by the river s brim, 

A nightingale or two began to sing, 
And Bougaeieau's Bather muimurcd, as she went to take her 
swim: 

"I think that we shall ha^e a Coiot Sprii^." 



Sun. 9 



MON. lO 



TUES. II 



Wed. 12 



Thur. 13 



Fri. 14 



May 9 15, 1909 



Sat. • 15 



specimen Page from the New Blue-ribbon 
Cook-book. 

Scalloped Oysters. — Select firm, plump oysters, and scallop 
them evenly and neatly with a pair of sharp scissors. Now, 
with a needle threaded with pink silk if for a pink tea, or blue 
if you wish Blue Points, work a button-hole stitch round the 
scallops. When finished, press carefully on the wrong side 
with a hot iron. 

Shirred Eggs. — Carefully remove the shell from a fresh egg 
and hold the white and yolk firmly in the left hand. Now, 
with a fine needle and thread, gather the material in straight 
rows about half an inch apart. Draw up to the required ful- 
ness and fasten neatly the ends of thread. 

Flannel Cakes. — These are delicious for breakfast and are 
simply made by cutting out circular pieces of Canton flannel. 
Eat with spun sugar. 

Snow Pudding. — Take about four quarts, say four and a 
half, of fresh snow. Wash it in several waters, and put it to 
soak in hot water overnight. In the morning knead it up 
and set by the fire to rise. Add some melted glue and set 
aside to cool. 

Sponge Cake. — Procure a large, fine sponge from a reliable 
druggist and soak until soft. Beat it to a froth with half its 
weight in butter. Add some cream. If the cream is bad, 
whip it. Add the juice and grated rind of two eggs, and bake 
constantly. 

Angel Cake. — First catch your angel. 

Jelly Cake. — Purchase a good jellyfish and sweeten to taste. 
Spread between layers of marble cake made from the best 
Carrara marble. 



May 16-22, 1909 



Sun. 16. 



MoN. 17 



TUES. 18. 



Wed. 19 



Thur. 20. 



Fri. 21 



Sa'I\ 22 



About Abbie. 

^BBIE BEN ADAMS, may her life be spared, 

Awoke one night, and felt a trifle scared; 
For on her shirtwaist-box, cross-legged, sate 
A Vision writing on a little slate. 
Exceeding nervousness made Abbie quake ; 
And to the Vision timidly she spake : 
"What writest thou?" The Vision looked appalled 
At her presumption, and quite coldly drawled : 
" The list of Our Best People who depart 
For watering-places sumptuous and smart." 
'' And am I in it ? " asked Miss Abbie. '' No 1 " 
The scornful Vision said. "You're poor, you know." 
"I know," said Abbie; "I go where it's cheap. 
I can't afford mountains or prices steep. 
But ere you leave, just jot this item down, 
I never leave my cats to starve in town." 
The Vision wrote, and vanished. Next night, late. 
He came again, and brought his little slate. 
And showed the names of people really best. 
And lo! Miss Abbie's name led all the restl 



Sun. 23 . 



MoN. 24- 



TuES. 25 . 



Wed. 26 . 



Thur. 27. 



Fri. 28 



May 23-29, 1909 



Sat. 29. 




" I 'HE Zodiacal sign for 

■*■ June is the Butterfly. 

Those born in June are of a 

frivolous, careless, happy, 

volatile, capricious, orna- 

lightscjme, gay, 

sportive, playful, 

winsome, buoyant, 

rollicking, frolicking 

disposition. The Sweet Girl 

Graduate is a June product, 

and that is why her butterfly 

nature demands such a large 

supply of flowers. There are 

also Sweet Boy Graduates, 

but they are more closely 

allied to the Grub. We don't 

know who were born in the 

month of the Butterfly, but 

probably John Luther Long 

and Oliver Herford. 



mental, 
tricksy, 
merry, 
jaunty, 





Kubaiyat of Summer Khayyam.* 

\A/'AKE 1 For the summer scatters into flight 

Your wife before you to some country site ; 
She'll take the children with her, and shell leave 

The parlor furniture done up in white. 

The cook indeed is gone. The waitress goes 
To-morrow. Their returning no one knows. 

But still there are cafes where one may dine, 
And some Roof Gardens have attractive shows. 



AMiether at Montauk Point or Babylon, 
To join your family, Fridays you must run; 

And then on Monday morning you come back. 
Tanned by the ocean breezes and the sun. 

* Copyright, 1906, by The Delineator. 



Rubaiyat of Summer Khayyam— (Continued). 

Ah, make the most of what we }'et may spend, 
Before we, too, down to the shore must wend ; 

Cramped in small rooms, fed on distressing food. 
Sans wine, sans song, sans dinner, and sans friend. 

Myself when young did eagerly frequent 
Summer hotels, and gladly paid the rent. 

Nor grumbled at the bill ; but now I know 
'Twas money most egregiously misspent. 

Waste not your hour in silly, vapid talk. 
Meandering up and down the long board walk. 

Better be jocund with a friend or two, 
On summer nights, in Little Old New York. 

And that inverted box they call your room, 
Whereunder crawling, cooped, you live in gloom ; 

Lift not your hands at it, for it is not 
More dark or small than any other tomb. 

Yesterday's roast this breakfast did prepare. 
To-morrow's soup or ragout still is there; 

Eat, for you know not whence it camp or why, 
Eat, for you know not when you go or where. 

The Bill no question makes of Ayes or Noes; 
It's high or low, as your appearance goes. 

And he behind the desk, who makes it out, — 
He knows how much you're worth, — he knows, — he knows! 

The smiling clerk jusl writes, and lia\inij; writ. 
It's due. Nor all \()ur bluster nor your grit 

Shall lure him back to cancel a mistake. 
Nor all \'()ur raire mark off a chari/c of it. 



Rubaiyat of Summer Khayyam — (Continued). 

Indeed I vowed I'd never go there more ; 
I swore (but was I sober when I swore ?), 

And then my wife wrote up, and I went down, 
Exactly as I went the week before. 

^^'ould but some winged angel, ere too late, 
Arrest the yet unfolded roll of fate, 

And all those Summer Hotels by the Sea 
Wipe out, expunge and quite obhterate. 

Ah, Love, could you and I but have our say, 
About this Sony scheme of Summers gay ; 

We'd shatter it to little bits and then 
Re-mould it nearer to dear old Broadwav. 



May 30-JuNE 5, 1909 



Sun. 30 



MoN. 31 - 



TUES. I 



Wed. 2 



Thur. 3 



¥ri. 4 



Sat. 5 



Memorial Day. 



The Sophisticated Maiden. 

A YOUNG man and a maiden were betrothed. 

"Dearest one," said the young man, "I love thee. So 
great is my devotion that if another should but cast loving 
glances at thee, a fearsome thing would happen." 

'' What might it be ?" quoth the maiden. 

''Even that I would kill him. Dost believe me?^' 

''Nay," quoth the maiden» 

" Nay ? But I protest to thee, I vow, I swear, that if another 
were to make love to thee, his life should pay forfeit! By 
yonder moon, I swear 1 Dost believe me now?" 

"Nay," quoth the maiden. 

"Now, what meanest thou? Why behevest thou not that 
I would kill the dastard villain ?" 

"Because," quoth the maiden, "thou wouldst not know 
aught about it." 



June 6-12, 1909 



Sun. 6 



MoN. 7 



TuES. 8. 



Wed. 



Thur. 10. 



Fri. II 



Sat. 12 



Disintegration of Peggy. 

VU'HILE the moon shone fair abovCj 

Jack told Pegg}' of his love. 
With a blush of shy surprise, 
Pretty Pegg}* dropped her eyes. 

Very fortunately. Jack 

Picked them up and put them back; 

But, so inexpert was he, 

Peggy's face fell suddenly. 

Rescuing the pretty face. 
Jack returned it to its place. 
At the flattering words he said, 
Pretty Peggy lost her head. 

Diligently hunting round, 
Soon the head by Jack was found. 
Worn out by her own caprices, 
Prett}' Peg went all to pieces. 

Then, as might have been expected^ 
Patient Jack the bits collected; 
AMien new sorrows filled his cup — 
Pretty Peg was all broke up. 

\'ainly then the lover strove 
For to reconstruct his love. 
Unto fate he bowed his neck — 
Pecjcrv' was a total wreck. 



Sun. 13. 



MoN. 14 



TuES. 15- 



Wed. 16.. 



Thur. 17 



Fri. 18.. 



Sa'I". i() 



June 13-19, 1909 



Cupid's Failure. 

r^UPID, one day, in idle quest, 

Fitted a dainty dart 
And aimed it at Priscilla's breast, 
To strike Priscilla's heart. 

Clean through it went, no heart was there ; 

Said Cupid, ^'I believe 
Priscilla's just the girl to wear 

Her heart upon her sleeve." 

But there, alack! it was not found; 

"Aha!" cried Cupid, "note 
Her frightened air; now I'll be bound 

Her heart is in her throat." 



Failure again. On slender chance 
He one more arrow shoots; 

Assuming from her downcast glance, 
Her heart is in her boots. 

Foiled, Cupid threw aside his bow; 

"She has no heart," said he. 
(He did not know that long ago 

She gave her heart to me.) 



Sun. 20 



MON. 21- 



TuES. 22 - 



Wed. 23 . 



Thur. 24. 



Fri. 25 



Sat. 26 



June 20-26, 1909 



T^HE Zodiacal sign for July is the Eagle. All 
Americans agree that the Eagle is the whole 
scream, and all small boys born this month consider 
themselves very lucky to be alive. Patriotic citizens 
celebrate the Fourth of July, but anxious mothers 
celebrate the Fifth of July, if their children are still 
alive. On Independence Day the American Eagle 
is at home, and offers his guests firecrackers and 
gunpowder tea. In the evening are displayed fire- 
works followed by waterworks. 




The Summer School of Philosophy. 

(^NE touch of sunburn makes the whole world skin. 

The Summer Girl makes cowards of us- all. 
The proof of the picnic is in the eating. 
Surf bathing levels all ranks. 
There's no fool like a summer fool. 
Flirting is its own reward. 
A hand in the hand is w^orth tw^o in the gloves. 
A little Summer Girl is a dangerous thing. 
Seaside communications corrupt good manners. 
Absence makes the heart go yonder. 
Hilarity covers a multitude of sins. 
Faint heart never won four ladies. 
Money makes the time go. 

Take care of the tents and the towns will take care of them- 
selves. 

Two chaperons are better than one. 

A man is known by the secrets he keeps. 

Nice men tell no tales. 

In a multitude of Summer Girls there is safety. 

It's a long head that has no turning. 

It's a sea breeze that blows nobodv o;ood. 



June 27-JuLY 3, 1909 
Sun. 27 - - 



MoN. 28- 



TuEs. 29- 



Wed. 30 . 



Thur. I 



Fri. 



Sap. 3 







.>'r- 



Fourth of July, 1909. 

^ OME on, my dear children, now let's have some fun, 
^^ These big cannon crackers eo off like a gun. 
WTiat? You've put your left eye out? \Miat matters an eye 
To one who would celebrate Fourth of Jtilvl 



Xow fire off your rifles, and set off your bombs. 
Don't mind if you do lose some fingers and thumbs. 
WTiat ? You've shattered your arm ? Tie it up in a sling. 
Don't stop the proceedings for such a small thing. 

-\nd now for the cannon, and now for the shell; 
The day is progressing exceedingly well. 
AMiat's that? Little Johnny has blown off an ear? 
Well, such things will happen. Don't cr\' so, my dear. 



These jumbo torpedoes go off mighty loud. 
Let's fire one right do'^'n in the midst of the crowd. 
WhdLl shrieking and howlingi Are many hurt? Yes":* 
Well, this celebration has been a success I 



July 4-10, 1909 



Sun. 4 



MoN. 5 



TuES. 6. 



Wed. 7 



Thur. 8 



Fri. 9 



Sat. 10 



Independence Day. 



Proverbial Patriotism. 

A CCIDENTS will happen in the best-regulated fireworks. 

A shot in the hand is worth two in the gun. 
A little burning is a dangerous thing. 

He who shoots and runs away may live to shoot another day. 
Never look a gift cannon in the mouth. 
A penny saved is two burned. 
Cannon crackers alter faces. 
One good burn deserves another. 
Patriotism covers a multitude of sins. 

AMiosoever thy hand findeth to shoot, shoot with thy might 
It's an ill bomb that blows up nobody good. 
It's a wise father that knows his own child — the day after. 
Uneasy lies the head that wears bandages. 
A living boy is better than a dead patriot. 
Never put off till to-morrow what you can't fire to-night. 
Celebration is the thief of time. 
All's not cold that smoulders. 

A good aim is rather to be chosen than great stitches. 
Insurance is the best policy. 
A new bomb sweeps clean. 
Dead bovs tell no tales. 



Sun. II 



MoN. 12 



TuES. 13 



Wed. 14 



Thur. 15 



Fki. 16 



July 11-17, 1909 



Sat. 17 



A Warning to the Summer Girl.* 

/^H, you Summer Girl! 

^-^ You ridiculous, absurd, hackneved, overworked, adorable Summer 

Giri! 
You shirt-waisted goddess 
And sailor-hatted sylph, 
You picturesque potpourri of outing effects, 
You think you're great, 
Don't you ? 
And you are. 

You're a power, and a queen, and a tyrant. 
And you know it, 
And you glory in it. 
And I don't blame you. 
I think you're all right mvself. 
But— 

Although you rule your young men, 
Your swains and gallants, and cavaliers — 
Although you think 
All mankind bow beneath your sway, 
It isn't true. 
I defy you ! 
I! ' ' 

I am your lord and master, and of me you are afraid; 
Abjectly, shrinkingly, and shudderingly afraid. 
AMio am I ? 

I am Time, Father Time; your friend and ally now. 
But remember, 
I have you in my power, 
Irrevocably in my power, 

And at my will I can transform you into a crone. 
An old, wrinkled, haggard, toothless crone. 
But I won't do it — at least, not now. 
For a few years I will let you defy me. 
You may misuse me, waste me, and even try to kill me. 
And I will only ser^-e you faithfully in return, 
And bring you triumphs and happiness. 
But some day 

I will steal your treasures — 
Your bewitching gowns. 
And coquettish hats. 
Yes, and I will steal 
The roses from your cheeks 
And the sparkle from vour eyes. 
And then, milady, 
What will you do ? 
But meanwhile. Summer Girl, 
Have all the fun you can. 
And now. 
Run away and play. 

♦Copyright, 1899, by Life Publishing Co. 



Sun. i8 



MOxN. 19 



TuES. 20. 



Wed. 21 



Thur. 22. 



Fri. 23 



Sat. 24 



July 18-24, 1909 




A Tale of the Tropics."^ 

/^H. once there was a gentleman residing in a tropic 

^-^ ^Mlo had deli^tful impulses, humane and philanthiopic 

One day, when he went out to walk, he said, conventions flouting. 
''I'll take this chance to give my pet orang-outang an outing!" 



And now, although I hate to drop this interesting topic, 
That's all I know of this old man, hmnane and philanthropic. 

♦Verses and pictme copyxi^t, 1907, by Metropolitan Magaane. 
(Diawiiig by C De Faniait>.) 



Sun. 25 . 



MoN. 26- 



TuES. 27 



Wed. 28. 



Thur. 29- 



Fri. 30 



Sat. 31 



July 25-31, 1909 




AUGUST -^ 




T^IIE Zodiacal sign for August is the Bee. This 
is doubtless because bees are the only ( rea- 
lures that work in August. The l)usy, ])uzzy IWv 
works all the time and makes a great fuss a])out il. 
The Bee has always been held u]) as a ])atlern for 
(hildren to emidate, but so far it hasn't done mui li 
good. Probably under this sign were born August 
H. and other ('a])tains of Industry. ( )ld-fashione(l 
bees, such as Aj)])le bees, Sewing bees, eti., are ucvvv 
seen now; but the lUisy H., indicating lUis\bod\-. 
i^ always with us. 



A Vindication of the Limerick.* 




The Rlal Young Lady of Niokr. 



T T has been said by 
ignorant and undis- 
cerning would-be critics 
that the Limerick is not 
among the classic and 
best forms of poetry, 
and, indeed, some have 
gone so far as to say 
that it is not poetry at 
all. 

A brief consideration 
of its claims to preemi- 
nence among recognized 
forms of verse will soon 
convince any intelligent 
reader of its sujx^rlative 
w^orth and beauty. 

As a proof of this, let 
us consider the following 
Limerick, which in the 
opinion of connoisseurs 
is the best one ever 
written: 



There was a young lady of Niger, 
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger; 

They came back from the ride 

With the lady inside, 
And the smile on the face of the tiger. 

♦Copyright, 1900, by Harp<r''^ MaLM/inc 



A Vindication of the 'Limerick— (Continued). 

Now let us compare this exquisite bit of real poesy with what 
might have been if Chaucer had written the lines: 

A mayde ther ben, in Niger born and bredde; 
Hire merye smyle went neere aboute hire hedde. 
Uponne a beeste shee rood, a tyger gaye, 
And sikerly shee laughen on hire waye. 




As She was Pictured in Chaucer's Day. 

Anon, as it bifel, bak from the ryde 
Ther came, his sadel hangen doone bisyde, 
The tyger. On his countenaunce the whyle 
Ther ben behelde a gladnesse and a smyle. 

Again, if Austin Dobson had chosen to throw off the thing in 
triolet form: 



A Vindication of the himerick—iCjutinued). 

She went for a ride, 

That young lady of Niger; 
Her smile was quite wide 
As she w^nt for a ride; 
But she came back inside, 

With the smile on the tiger! 
She went for a ride. 

That young lady of Niger. 




RossETTi's Pro 



Rossetti, with his inability to refrain from refrains, might have 
turned out something like this: 

In Niger dwelt a lady fair, 

(Bacon and eggs and a bar o' soa]>!) 
Who smiled 'neath tangles ot her hair, 



A Mndication of the himQrick (Continued). 

As her steed began his steady lope. 
(You like this style, I hope!) 

On and on they sped and on, 

TBacon and eggs and a bar o' soap!) 

On and on and on and on; 

(You see I've not much scope.) 



E'en ere they loped the second mile, 
The tiger 'gan his mouth to ope; 

Anon he halted for a while; 

Then went on ^^ith a pleasant smile, 
(Bacon and eggs and a bar o* soap!) 



Omar would have looked at the situation philosophically, and 

would have stmmied up his \'iews in some such characteristic lines 

as these: 



Wliy if the Soul can fling the Dust aside 

And smilins:. on a Tiger blithely ride. 

Were't not a Shajne, — were't not a Shame for him 
In stupid Niger tamely to abide ? 



Strange, is it not ? that of the ]SI}Tiads who 
Before us rode the Sandy Desert through, 
Xot one returns to tell us of the Road, 
^Miich to discover we ride smilinsr. too. 



We are no other than a mo\'ing Row 

Of Magic Xiger-shapes that come and go 

Round with the Smile -illumined Tiger held 
In Midnight bv the Master of the Show. 



Tennyson would have seen a dramatic opportunity-, and would 
have gloried in his chance, thus: 



A Vindication of the Limerick — {Continued). 

Half a league, half a league, 

On the big tiger, 
Rode with a smiling face 

The lady of Niger. 




" Mad Rushed the Noble Steed.'* 



Mad rushed tlir noble stood, 
Smiled she and look no hood; 
Smiled at the breakneck speed 
Of the bi«r ti<ror. 



A Vindication of the Limerick -{Continued), 

Boldly they plunged and swayed, 
Fearless and unafraid, — 
Tiger and lovely maid, " 

Fair and beguiling; 
Flash' d she her sunny smiles, 
Flash' d o'er the sunlit miles; 
Then they rode back, but not — 
. Not the same smiling! 

When can their glory fade ? 
O the wild charge they made, 

Riding from Niger! 
Honor the ride they made ! 
Honor the smiles displayed, 

Lady and Tiger! 

Kipling, of course, would have seized the theme for a fine and 
stirring Barrack-Room Ballad: 

"What is the lady smiling for?" 

Said Files-on-Parade. - 

*^ She's going for a tiger ride," 

The Color-Sergeant said; 
"What makes her smile so gay, so gay?" 

Said Files-on-Parade; 
"She likes to go for tiger rides," 

The Color-Sergeant said. 
"For she's riding on the tiger, you can see his stately stride; 

When they're returning home again, she'll take a place inside; 

And on the tiger's face will be the smile so bland and wide, 
But she's riding on the tiger in the morning." 

Browning would have been pleased with the subject and would 
have done the best he could with it, doubtless along these lines: 

The Last Ride Together. 

(The Tiger speaks.) 

I said, "Then, Dearest, since 'tis so, 
Since now at length your fate you know, 



A Vindication of the l.imerick— (Continued). 

Since nothing all your smile avails, 
Since all your life seems meant for fails, 

Henceforth you ride inside." 
Who knows what's best? Ah, who can tell? 
I loved the lady. Therefore, — well, — 
I shuddered. Yet it had to be. 
And so together, I and she 

Ride, ride, forever ride. 

Swinburne would have spread himself thusly: 

O marvellous, mystical maiden, 

With the way of the wind on the wing; 
Low laughter thy lithe lips hath laden, 

Thy smile is a Song of the Spring. 
O typical, tropical tiger. 

With wicked and wheedlesome wiles; 
O lovely lost lady of Niger, 

Our Lady of Smiles. 

Edgar Allan Poe would have put it this way: 

See the lady with a smile. 

Sunny smile! 
Hear her gaysome, gleesome giggle as she rides around in style! 

How the merry laughter trips 

From her red and rosy lips, 
As she smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles. 
While she rides along the dusty, desert miles. 

See the tiger with a smile, 

Happy smile! 
If such a smile means happiness, he's happy quite a pile; 
How contentedly he chuckles as he trots along the miles. 

Oh, he doesn't growl or groan 

As he ambles on alone, 
Hut he smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, smiles, 
As he homeward goes along the desert miles. 

And Longfellow would have given it his beautiful and devcr 
'Hiawatha" setting: 



A Vindication of the himerick— (Continued). 

Ob, the fair and lovely lady; 
Oh, the sweet and winsome lady; 
With a smile of gentle goodness 
Like the lovely Laughing Water. 
Oh, the day the lovely lady 
Went to ride upon a tiger. 
Came the tiger, back returning, 
Homeward through the dusky twilight; 
Ever slower, slower, slower, 
Walked the tiger o'er the landscape; 
Ever wider, wider, wider, 
Spread the smile o'er all his features. 

And so, after numerous examples and careful consideration of 
this matter, we are led to the conclusion that for certain proposi- 
tions the Limerick is the best and indeed the only proper vehicle 
of expression. 



Sun. I 



MON. 2 



TuES. 3 . 



Wed. 4 



Thur. 5 



Fri. 6 



August 1-7, 1909 



Sat. 7 



Limericks. 

A HEN who resided in Reading 

Attended a gentleman's weading. 

As she walked up the aisle, 

The guests had to smaisle, 
In spite of the tears they w^ere sheading. 



There was a young lady of Butte, 
Who thought herself very acute, 

That her suitor might praise her. 

She gave him a razor, 
Which suited her suitor hirsute. 



There once was an honest old goose 
Who said to her friends, ''What's the use 

Of pretending to know 

If soda is so ? 
Such questions are very abstruse." 

There once was an affable liar 

Who sat round and smoked an old briar; 
But his smile was so gracious 
And his heart was so spacious 

That everv one loved that old liar. 



Sun. 8 



MoN. 9 . 



TUES. lO- 



Wed. II. 



ThUR. 12 - 



Fri. 13.. 



August 8-14, 1909 



Sat. 14 



A Primer of Literature. 

[For Beginners.) 

Wliat is the Literature of To-day? 

Fiction. 
How is Fiction divided? 

Into Historical Novels and Nature Books. 
Wliat is an Historical Novel? 

One that shows no trace of History or of Novelty. 
Wliat is a Nature Book ? 

A volume of misinformation about animals. 
WTiy are Nature Books popular just now? 

Because they are the fashion. 
Mention some recent Nature Books. 

''The Lions of the Lord/'' ''The Purple Cow," "The Octopus," 
-The Gadfly," ^'The Sea Wolf," ^' The King's Jackal." 
WTiat are the best selling books? 

Those which sell the best people. 
WTiat is a Magazine? 

A small body of Literature entirely surrounded by advertise- 
ments. 
WTiy is a comic paper so called? 

Because it's so funny that anybody buys it. 
What is a critic ? 

A Critic is a man who writes about the books he doesn't like. 
What is poetr}'? 

Lines of words ending with the same sound. 
What is a Minor Poet? 

A poet not yet tv\'ent}'-one years of age. 
WTiat is a Major Poet? 

There isn't any. 
What is a Publisher? 

A man who is blamed if a book doesn't sell, and ignored if it 
does. 
What does a publisher mean by Problem Novels ? 

All, except Kipling's and Mrs. Humphr}' Ward's. 
What makes a book a phenomenal success? 

Much bad, much pad, and much ad. 



August 15-21, 1909 



Sun. 15 



MoN. 16 - 



TuES. 17- 



Wed. 18 



TiiUR. 19 



Fri. 20 



Sat. 21 




The Passing of the Summer Girl. 

HE season is over and we must part, 

Summer is ended, my pretty maid; 
I bid you farewell with all my heart 

And no regret may my words pervade. 

Many an innocent escapade 
We've had together since we've been here; 

Memories haunt a certain glade, — 
Where are the girls of yester-year ? 



You're fascinating and chic and smart, 

Modishly mannered and well arrayed; 
Rowing a boat or driving a cart. 

Oft by your side I willingly staid. 

Slyly the chaperon we'd evade. 
Stealing flirtations on beach or pier; — • 

Oh! but such court I've often paid, — 
Where are the girls of yester-year ? 

With wondrous grace and consummate art 
Your role in our summer game you played; 

Cleverly aiming a Cupid's dart, — 
(Part of your dainty stock in trade.) 
But already my fickle fancy's strayed, 

No longer I cherish your souvenir. 

And I view the prospect undismayed, — 

Where are the girls of yester-year ? 



IJEnvoi. 

Summer Girl, lightly my heart you swayed. 

^ 'Think of you often?" Well, no, my dear, 
I shall forget you, I'm afraid, — 

Where are the girls of yester-year ? 



August 22-28, 1909 



Sun. 22- 



MoN. 23- 



TuES. 24. 



Wed. 25 



Thur. 26 



Fki. 27 



Sat. 28 




t 



/ 



EPTEMBER 



" I ^HE Zodiacal sign for September is the 
^ Oyster. People born this month are very 
close-mouthed and not at all talkative. Those 
born in September are rarely of the feminine 
sex. The individual born under the sign of 
the oyster is lazy and inclined to lie in bed 
all day. He is rather stupid and aj)! to find 
himself in the soup, or, at least, in hot water, 
lie is a Hard-shell Ba])tist and sul)jeit to 
typhoid fever. Oliver A\'endcll Holmes said 
an awfully funny thing al)out ovstcrs, but \vi" 
have forgotten it. 






An Automobile Primer. 

Y^^HAT is an Automobile? 

It is an Infernal Machine used by the Classes for 
dealing Death to the Masses. 

Whence is its Name Derived ? 

From Auto and Mob. Hence, an Automobilist ought to 
be mobbed. 

What is the Difference between an Automobile and a Bunch 
of Violets ? 

The Smell. 

What is an Auto-Race ? 

A Race of Men who Drive Automobiles. 

What do they Look like ? 

Like a Wild Man of Borneo disguised as an Esquimau. 

WTiat are they called ? 

Chauffeurs. 

Why? 

Because they show Furs in all sorts of Weather or Climate. 

^\^lat is the Difference between an Automobile and Beau 
Brummel ? 

Beau Brummel was a Lady-Killer, but an Automobile will 
kill Anybody. 

What follows the Automobile ? 

The Autopsy. 



August 29-SEPrEMEER 4, 1909 
Sun. 29 



MoN. 30 



TUES. ^i 



Wed. I 



Thur. 2 



P'ri. 



Sat. 4 



A Modern Damosel. 

T^HE Blessed Damosel leaned out 

From a motor-car at even ; 
She promised when she left her home 

She would be back by seven. 
And now, long miles from anywhere, 

'Twas quarter-past eleven. 

Her coat was mud from clasp to hem, 

Her chitton veil was torn ; 
Her goggles and her motor-hood 

.\11 crookedly were worn ; 
Her hair that lav along her back 

Looked perfectly forlorn. 

^'I wish the old machine would go! 

Why won't it go?" she cried; 
''Have you not cranked it thoroughly, 

.\nd oiled it well beside ? 
I'm sure you could have made it go 

If you had only tried 1" 

She gazed at him. and then remarked 
(Less sad of speech than mad), 

'^I hate a car that bucks and balks I 
I think it is too bad! 

I wish that I had staved at home — 
I really wish I had!" 

''We've lost our way! We've broken do\\TL! 

We won't get home for years! 
That last collision bent the clutch, 

And smashed the thing that steers.'' 
Then, like the car, she too broke down 

And wept. (I heard her tears.) 



September 5-11, 1909 



Sun. 5 



MoN. 6 . 



Labor Day. 



TUES. 7 



Wed. 8. 



Thur. 9 - 



Fri. 10.. 



Sat. II. 



Greeting to an Automobile. 



"LJO, Automobile! 

■■■ ■*• You think yourself a wonder, 

Don't vou ? 

Well, ^ 

You are. 

You're a good thing, 

But you don't need to be pushed along, 

Because you can push yourself. 

That's what you're here for. 

I suppose you think 

You travel on vour shape; 

H'm— 

Well,— 

How would you like 

To be the ice-wagon ? 

Because 

You're not much more graceful. 

But you're all right. 

Only,— 

Tt seems a pity 

To think that, in a few years, — 

Say about 1910 or 1Q20, — 

You'll be so improved 

That what you are now 

^^"ould make a cow laugh. 

But you can't help that; 

It depends on us 

To hurrv on the improvement, 

And 

We'll do it! 

Then, if we have another war, 

We'll engage your services, 

And then 

We can have 

Auto mobilization. 

Which would be a good thing. 

So, 

Automobile, 

Just go ahead. 

And do the best you can. 

We all like you. 

And welcome you. 

And some time 

^\'e'll write your 

Automobiography. 




Sun. 12 



MoN. 13 



TuEs. 14 



Wed. 11; 



Thur. 16 



P^KI. 17 



Sat. iS 



SeIH EMBER 12-18, 1909 



Memories. 

T REMEMBER, I remember, 
The car I used to drive, 
It started out right gallantly, 

But never would arrive. 
The commutator wouldn't work, 

The jump-spark wouldn't play; 
Then suddenly 'twould give a jerk 

That took my breath away. 

I remember. I remember, 

How nothing would stay right; 
The aspiration pipe got loose. 

The carbureter tight; 
The steering-knuckle broke one day; 

'Twas just before we met 
A heedless old pedestrian, — 

The man is living yet! 

I remember, I remember, 

The curves I used to swing; 
I thought that twenty miles an hour 

Was speed like anything I 
The car seemed like a feather then, 

That seems so hea\w now. 
And punctured tires could not disperse 

The smiles that wreathed my brow. 

I remember, I remember, 

That little runabout; 
It always skidded, slipped and bucked, 

And calmly threw me out. 
I have a Palace Flyer now. 

But still 'tis little fun— 
For I am far less satisfied 

Than when I first besrun. 



Sun. 19- 



MoN. 20- 



TUES. 21- 



WeD. 22 



Thur. 23 



Fri. 24 . 



September 19-25, 1909 



Sa'i\ 25 




':^J 



h 






'T'HE Zodiacal sign for Octoljer is the Black Cat. 
This is a weird and mysterious beast, with 
yellow eyeballs and bristling fur. Those born under 
this sign are witches and wizards. Their aim is to 
bamboozle the pul)lic. If men they adoj)t the call 
ing of Mental Healers or Patent-medicine Manu 
facturers. If feminine they are chorus girls, or just 
plain charmers. They lioochvink tlie ])ul)ji( in main 
ways, and on All-Hallow l'.\c they perfonn magir 
rites and have a lot of fun. All ])eo])le born under 
this sign are magicians and can do whatcvc-r tlu'\ 
choose. Hermann the Circat was ])r()bal)lv born in 
October, also T. Roosevelt. 



f^ 






i- 



K'. - \' 



^l^ ^ - 



<^ 



Proverbs of New York Streets. 

A NEW Broome street's clean. 

The Broadway leadeth to destruction. 
Stone Wall streets do not a prison make. 
How old is Ann street ? 
A Bowling Green gathers no moss. 
Never say Dey street. 

Oh, Liberty street, what crimes are committed in thy name! 
Division street is as bad. 

A Rose street by any other name would smell as sweet. 
A Little W. Twelfth street is a dangerous thing. 
King street can do no wrong. 

A good name is rather to be chosen than Great Jones street. 
Better Laight street than never. 
He asked for bread and they gave him a Stone street. 



September 26-October 2, 1909 
Sun. 26 - 



MoN. 27 - 



TUES. 28 . 



Wed. 29-- 



Thur. 30 



Fri. I 



Sat. 2 



Bubbles of Wisdom. 

A CCIDENTS will happen in the best-regulated machines. 
A man is known by the chauffeur he keeps. 
A fool and his auto are soon parted. 
In a multitude of counselors there is trouble. 
The auto makes the mare go. 
A little bubble is a dangerous thing. 
The auto makes the world go 'round. 
An automobile is the route of all evil. 
Auto goggles alter faces. 
Many hands make the old thing work. 
A toot to the guys is sufficient. 

A good road is rather to be chosen than great ditches. 
The automobile is the mother of detention. 

An automobile, now and then, 

Is purchased by the wisest men. 
Amnesty is the best policy. 
Only a fool never changes his machine. 
No man is a hero to his chauffeur. 
All that a man hath will he give for an automobile. 
Autos are stubborn things. 

Oh, chauffeur, chauffeur, what crimes are committed in thy namel 
An automobile by any other name would smell as sweet. 
The automobile levels all cranks. 
Never trouble bubbles till bubbles trouble you. 
Autgmobiles corrupt good manne^rs. 

\He whose auto runs away 

May live to ride another day. 
There's no fool like an auto fool. 
The safest way 'round is the shortest way home. 
Prove all machines. Hold good that which is fast. 
Chauffeurs never hear any good of themselves. 
People who live in nice houses shouldn't throw stones. 



Sun. 3 



MoN. 4 



TuES. 5 



Wed. 6. 



Thur. 7 



Fri. 8 



Sat. 9 



October 3^9, 1909 



A Chromo in Prose. 

pRISCILLA looked longingly at her old, worn gown, and 
sighed. The gown hung dejectedly on a hook. It was a 
common iron hook. Priscilla sat with her pretty dimpled chin 
in her hands and gazed at the frayed folds and the ragged 
ruffles. Priscilla was fair and young, and the gown was old 
and gray; but Priscilla looked longingly at her old, worn 
gown, and sighed. 

Other gowns hung near; marvelous robes of satin and 
velvet; tea-gowns which were dreams; dinner-dresses with 
bell-skirts; traveling gowns; prints and princess robes; 
walking suits with Russian blouses; all hung there in full 
view, and each seemed silently to claim the maiden's favor. 

But Priscilla frowned upon them all in turn, and sadly gazed 
again at the old, worn gow^n. And the sun shone brightly, 
and the horns of the automobiles honked, and far down-town 
the shop-windows displayed their glittering baubles. 

And Priscilla looked longingly at her old, worn gown, and 
sighed : 

''I w^ish I could wear it," she slowly said, ^^it has a pocket 
in it.'' 



Sun. io 



MON. II 



TUES. 12- 



Wed. 13 



Thur. 14 



Fri. 15 



October 10-16, 1909 



Sat. 16 



The Flatiron. 



(3) T^HIS building is a modern 
invention for raising the 
wind. One end of it is fastened to 
New York city, but the other is un- 
attached. 

It has been said that the Flatiron 
is as beautiful as the Parthenon, but 
this is doubtless flatirony. However, 
it is useful to decorate postal-cards, 
and to illuminate the city on election 
night. 

But, like Melrose Abbey, to be seen 
aright, the Flatiron must be visited 
by pale moonlight. * Select a time 
when the moon is at the corner of 
Fifth Ave. and 22nd-st., then take up 
your own position at the southwest 
corner of Madison Square Park, di- 
rectly at the base of Seward's statue. 
Those who have any appreciation of 
dramatic stage-setting will stand there 
for some time. 

For a long time scientists were 
unable to discover the reason for the 
great gales that whirl and blow 
around the Flatiron Building; but it 
has been found that they originate in 
^ the airs that come out of the music- 
store on the first floor ever}^ time the 
door is opened. These brisk breezes 
often cause a flurry in women's ap- 
parel; but New York women have 
>^ learned to walk calmly through the 
^"*'*""^*''^ cyclone, relying on this adage: 
''Take care of your hats, and your gowns will take care of 
themselves.'' 




October 17-23, 1909 



Sun. 17 



MoN. 18- 



TuES. 19 - 



Wed. 20 - 



Thur. 21 



Fri. 22 



SAr. 23 



The Heart of the City. 

■gETWEEN the Flatiron and the Times 

I often make up fooHsh rhymes; 
For in that noisy, ghttering mart 
I feel the city's beating heart. 
'Tis but a stage, and all men mimes, 
Between the Flatiron and the Times. 

Between the Flatiron and the Times 
There are committed gravest crimes ; 
Patrician or plebeian knaves 
Delude their victims and their slaves. 
Some sin for fortunes, some for dimes, 
Between the Flatiron and the Times. 

Between the Flatiron and the Times 
Light laughter rings and music chimes; 
The gayest, happiest hours are spent. 
Glad hearts overflow with merriment; 
All types are there — all years — all climes — 
Between the Flatiron and the Times. 



Sun. 24 . 



MoN. 25 - 



TUES. 26.- 



Wed. 27- 



Thur. 28. 



Fri. 29 



OcroBER 24-30, 1909 



Sat. 30 




NOVEMBER'S Zodiacal sign is the Turkey. Peo- 
])le ]K)rn in November are always born hungry. 
This trait remains with them through Hfe. In 
November comes Thanksgiving Day, an occasion wliich 
makes go))l)lers r)f us all. Citizens Ijorn under the 
sign of the Turkey are pompous, loud-voiced, and 
apt to strut about in a lordly manner. Hut |)ride 
n\ust have a fall and their heads are often cut olT by 
the hatchet of Fate. Mary Queen of Scots was lK)rn 
under this sign, also several other noted So\crcigns. 
and some notorious Americans. 





Election Day. 

JgLECTION DAY is a lovely holiday. UsuaUy it falls on 
a pleasant day in the fall, when the leaves and the 
mugwumps are turning, and the candidates are w^ishing 
themselves many happy returns of the day. It is always a 
pleasant little game to hnd out when Election Day will be 
celebrated. There is a fascinating uncertainty about it, as it 
usually occurs on the first Monday after the second Tuesday, 
or something like that. But it is always a satisfactor}- occa- 
sion; for the shops are open in the morning, the theaters in 
the afternoon, and the whole town at night. 



October 3i-November 6, 1909 



Sun. 31. 



MoN. I 



TUES. 2. 



Election Day. 



Wed. 3 . 



Thur. 4 . 



Fki. 5 



Sat. 6 



The A B C of Golf. 

A was an Amateur, plaj^ng his best. 

B was the Ball whidi he gayly addressed. 

C was the Caddie who followed him 'round. 

D was the Driver which dug up the ground. 

E was the Eye which he kept on the balL 

F was the Foursome he played in the falL 

G was the Golf which he thought that he played. 

H was the Hazard that left him dismayed. 

I was the Iron which he used fairly well. 

J was the Jerk which he couldn't make tell. 

K was the Knuckling of Knees he essayed. 

L was the Links where the great game was played. 

M was the Mashie, the club he liked best. 

N was the Niblick, he thought that a pest. 

was the Odds they gave him each game. 

P was the Putter which often missed aim. 

Q was the Quarter-swing, this made him mad. 

R was the Running Approach, quite as bad. 

S was the Stymie he tried to get by. 

T was the Tee which he built up too high. 

U was the Utilization of Wind. 

V was the \'amt}' shown when he grinned. 
W was the Waggle he gave ere he played. 
X the Excuses he frequently made. 

Y was his Youth, which for much was to blame. 
Z was the Zest which he brought to the game. 



Sun. 7 



MoN. 8 



TuES. 9 



Wed. io . 



Thur. II 



FrI. 12 



November 7-13, 1909 



Sat. 13- 




The Hippodrome. 



/^NCE there was a man who went to the Hippodrome. And 
when he got there and saw all its marvels, he said: ''It 
can't be real — I must be hippodreaming." But he liked it so 
much that he said: ''Is this a hippodream? Then let me 
dream again." 

So the next night he hippodrome again, and this time he 
hippodreamed that he liked it better than ever. And he got 
the habit, and as he entered the lobby he always hummed 
softly: "I hippodrome I dwelt in marble halls." At last he 
began to wonder what might be the derivation of the word 
"hippodrome," and as he was long on scholarly lore, he knew 
that hippo was Greek for horse. So he realized that the whole 
thing was a horse dream, otherwise translated nightmare. 



Sun. 14- 



MoN. 15. 



TUES. 16- 



Wed. 17. 



Thur. 18- 



Fri. 19 



Sat. 20 



November 14-20, 1909 



Thanksgiving Day. 

'\A^HEN autumn brings around the day 

Devoted to Thanksgiving, 
The children scream with laughter gay 
For very joy of living. 




And every sort of escapade 
Receives their commendation; 

But all agree a masquerade 
Is best for celebration. 




The boys and girls all swarm around, 
The crowd is hourly growing ; 

Straw-hatted and grotesquely gowned,- 
With tin horns loudly blowing. 




But dear old dames with snowy puffs, 
Tulle caps and Mechlin laces, 

Don^t scramble out and join the toughs 
In boys' clothes and false faces! 




November 21-27, 1909 



Sun. 21 



MON. 22- 



TuES. 23- 



Wed. 24 



Thur. 25 



Fri. 26 . 



Sat. 27 



Thanksgiving Day. 





T'ODIACAL SIGN: The Reindeer. The whole 
month of December is given over to the in- 
fluence of the Santa Clausian species of Reindeer. 
People born under this sign are full of peace and 
good-will. Their voices are like chimes of bells, and 
their hearts are large and loving. I^vcn though of 
a cold and frosty exterior, they have a warm and 
generous nature l^eneath. They are never so happy 
as when they arc giving sonictliing, if it's onl)- a bit 
of advice, or a ])iccc of their mind. In DiMt-inbcr 
])eoi)le give no thought to llic Past or tlic I'utun- 
They tliink only of the Prrsrnf. 



•^^^ir^-^wy^. 



The Land of Loo-la-lee. 

(A Nonsense Song.) 

r^OME with me, oh, come with me, 
To the land of Loo-la-lee, 
Where the pickles and the nickles 
Grow upon the tubsy tree ; 

Where the cows wear ruffled dresses 
Made of wax and water-cresses; 
Where the parrots live on carrots 
And the owls drink taffy tea. 

Come with me across the sea 

To the land of Loo-la-lee, 

Where the golden-haired canaries 
Row their boats across the prairies; 

Where the whaley dances gayly 
As upon his tail he spins. 
Holding fans in all his fins. 

Oh, such merry things you'll see 

In the land of Loo-la-lee! 

Come with me, oh, come with me! 



November 2 8-December 4, 1909 
Sun. 28 



MoN. 29 



TuES. 30- 



Wed. I 



TlIUR. 2 



Fri. 3 



Sa'i\ 4 



When Santa Glaus and Cupid Met. 

(.4 Legend.) 

VyHEN Santa Clans and Cupid met 

One day, the boy flew in a pet 
About some berries small and red. 
*^ They're mine! I want them!" Cupid said. 
But Santa Claus replied, "A\liat folly! 
Why, child, this is my Christmas holly." 
^'I don't care!" cried the angry elf, 
*^I want those berries for myself!" 
A teardrop shone in either eye. 
"Tut, tut!" said Santa Claus; '^ don't cry; 
I'll keep my holly berries red, 
These white ones you may have instead." 
"All right," and Cupid gayly smiled 
(He's nothing but a silly child). 
"The white ones just as well will do; 
I rather think they're prettier, too.'' 
So, ever since at Christmas merry 
Santa Claus brings the holly berr}\ 
But Cupid (as perhaps you know). 
Brings for his gift the mistletoe. 



December 5-1 i, 1909 



Sun. 5 



MoN. 6 



TUES. 7 



Wed. 8 



Thur. 9 



Fri. 10 



Sa r. 1 1 



Out of All Proportion. 

(^X Christmas eve, as pretty Jane came tripping down the 

stair, 
The spicy smell of Christmas greens pervaded all the air. 
*^Now this I cannot understand/^ said Jane. "AMiy is it so? 
A hundred sprays of holly and but one of mistletoe!" 



December 12-18, 1909 



Sun. 12- 



MoN. 13- 



TuES. 14- 



Wed. 15. 



Thur. 16. 



PRI. 17 



Sai. 18 



Her Christmas Shopping. 

Vy^HY do I have to shop? 

Upon my word, 
'Tis utterly absurd 
The way I race 
And chase 
From place to place! 

The way I madly run from store to store, 
The bargains looking o'er; 
Trying to find some novel gift for Anne, 
Or Dan, 
Or Nan, 

Or hunting something new for Uncle Steve ; 
Seeking strong toys 
For Gertrude's boys, — 
They'd break a cannon-ball, I do believe! 
And all I J)uy, no doubt 
The children would be better off without. 
Nor do their elders care a cent about 
The little silver things, or blue delft clocks. 
Burnt leather fancy-work, embroidered stocks. 
Which they mendaciously pronounce the very 
Things they desire to make their Christmas merry! 
Ah, well. 

If I the truth must tell, 
I do the same; 

My fellow -sufferers I ought not to blame. 
So on I go, like any jaded hack; 
Buying, exchanging, often sending back. 
Pushed by the populace, jammed by the crowd. 
Muttering imprecations deep, not loud. 
So on I go, — 

And somehow, do you know ? 
I rather like it after all. 

Were I a millionaire, with servants at my call, 
To none would I entrust 
My Christmas shopping. No, I ever must 
Do that myself. It is my great delight 
To shop at Christmastide from morn till night. 



Sun. 19 



MoN. 20 - 



TUES. 21- 



WeD. 22- 



Thur. 23- 



Fri. 24 - 



December 19-25, 1909 



Sat. 25 



Christiims. 




A Spendthrift. 



T^HE year was departing — the very last day 
-*■ Of the month of December was passing away — 
When old Mother Earth, with a slight quake of fear, 
Said: ''Father Time, please, could you spare me a year?" 
''Zounds, Madam!" cried Time; " another year ? No! 
Where's the one that I gave you a twelvemonth ago?" 
"I spent it," replied Mother Earth, looking down; 
'^ You did? " thundered Time with a menacing frown; 
"Then give an account; if wisely 'twas spent, 
And none of it wasted, perhaps I'll relent." 
"I spent it as usual," confessed Mother Earth, 
"In the pursuit of happiness, pleasure and mirth." 
"What have you to show for it?" Father Time said. 
"Alas, I have nothing "; and Earth hung her head; 
"But if you will give me a new year to-night, 
I'll make earnest resolves to spend it aright." 
Time reached for his wallet and took out a year, 
Saying: "Those resolutions are worn out, I fear; 
But it's growing quite late, so take this one, then," 
And he gave Mother Earth 1910, 



Sun. 26- 



MoN. 27. 



TUES. 28- 



Wkd. 29 - 



Thur. 30 - 



December 26-31, 1909 



Fri. 31 




A Metropolitan Guide-book and Dictionary of 
Later New York.* 

CCIDENT — In case you are run 
over by an automobile or a 
trolley car, ask the nearest 
policeman to take you to a 
drug-store. Do not worry about 
the chauffeur or the motorman ; 
they will look out for them- 
selves. 

Ambulance — In case you are run over by an ambulance, 
jump in. 

Apartment Houses — Tenements in which flats conceal 
themselves under assumed names. 
Art Galleries — (See Europe.) 

Ashes — (See Street Cleaning Dept., or telephone to them.) 
Battery, The — A shady part of ]\Ianhattan Island. (See 
Assault and Battery.) 

Beaver Street — One of the first streets laid out in the city. 
In 1650 it was called the Beaver Graft, but since then graft 
has been transferred farther up-town. 

Blackwell's Island — One of the city's waterside resorts to 
which New-Yorkers frequently go for an outing. The resi- 
dences on the Island are large and imposing, and the majority 
are handsomely built of granite, in a feudal style of architec- 
ture. The residents are people of strong character and con- 
servative in their habits, though occasionally they let them- 
selves go. Those whose achievements enlitlc them to a so- 
journ on the Island may receive free ])asses and transporta- 
tion, and many are admitted on the strength of their convic- 
tions. 

Bowery, The — As its name im])lics, this is a shadv lane, 

in which green things ap])ear and are welcomed with dcHght. 

Breweries — There are eight \'-nine breweries in \ew \'ork 

city, and more are in ])rocess of construction. (See \V. C\ 

T. U.) 

♦Copyright, IQ06, by LiU- PuMishiiu: Co. 



A Metropolitan Guide-book — {Continued). 

Bridges — New York has two kinds of bridge — the Brook- 
lyn Bridge and Bridge \Vhist. Patrons of both experience 
moments of great suspense. The total expense of each is 
about the same. 

Broadway — Broadway is divided into two parts, day and 
night. Except on cloudy or stormy days, one part is as 
bright and light as the other. 

Bronx Park — A large farm in the outlying district to the 
north, where a Zoo is said to exist. By the time you have 
found it, it will be time to return home — unless you went the 
the week before. 

Brooklyn — The support for the other end of the Bridge. 

Coffee Exchange — Victims of the coffee habit may here 
exchange the pernicious berr}' for neat packages of harmless 
substitutes made out of cornhusks, nutshells, or Boston brown- 
bread crumbs. 

Concerts — The name under which theatrical performances 
are given on Sunday. 

Consuls — Officials whom it is proper to consult if you are 
a foreigner. They will refer you to the Police, who will in 
turn refer you to the Charitable Societies, who will refer you 
to the Police, who will refer you to the Consuls, who will 
advise you to consult a lawyer. 

Cook's Tours — (See Intelligence Offices.) 

Costumes — (See Churches.) 

Daughters of the Revolution — A society of the feminine 
descendants of Revolutionary^ patriots. 

Daughters of the American Revolution — An organization 
of Dames, who created a Revolution in the Society of the 
Daughters of the Revolution, and made a Declaration of 
Independence therefrom. 

Department Stores — These are the urban development of 
the original countr}^ store. In them ever}1;hing may be bought 
and ever}^body sold. On certain days there are Bargain 



A Metropolitan Guide-hook— (ConHnued). 

Sales. These occasions are greatly enjoyed by the ladies, 
as they offer all the delightful crush and jam of an afternoon 
tea, without any necessity for good manners. 

Dog Fanciers — Persons with this peculiar partiality may 
patronize any of the hot frankfurter stands or pushcarts. 

Eden Mus6e — A place of entertainment where there are 
exhibited wax figures made up to look unlike noted people 
of the day. 

Elysian Fields — (Don't see Hoboken.) 

Harlem — A station at the other end of the Subway. 

Hell Gate — (See Subway Entrance.) 

Licenses — Special permits which must be obtained before 
one can sell gunpowder or kerosene, found a Society for the 
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, or write poetry. 

Manhattan Island — Twenty-two square miles of the Strenu- 
ous Life. 

Perambulators — (See Seeing Brooklyn.) 

Society of the Cincinnati — Composed of descendants of 
commissioned officers of the American Army in the War of 
the Revolution. 

Sons of the Revolution — Composed of descendants of sc^l- 
diers of the American Army in the War of the Revohition, 
who were snubbed by the Society of the Cincinnati. 

Sons of the American Revolution — Composed of descend- 
ants of the soldiers of the American Army in the War of the 
Revolution, who were snubbed by the Sons of the Revolution. 

Stock Exchange — This building is so constructed that it is 
largely made up of corners, but a seat on the floor of the hcnise 
may be had for eighty thousand (hollars. Although not adver- 
tised as a zoo, its inmates are bulls, bears, and lambs, all of 
whom are endeavoring to keep the wolf from the door. (Cf. 
Wild Animals I Have Known.) 



A Metropolitan Guide-book— Connnued). 

We a: i e r Bureau — 7 : - : ^ : z i :: i: .:. :<sn't know its own 

u 7 7 : : Wiicii it prints certain 

r : 7: : ^^^ rious ) ^' ^ags as signals, 

: 7 : : r^ : r has a jiiance to come, 

7 I : r — :: .:^ ::i lU out others. It is 

^ r 7 :: :: u^r^i^ier ::i^t t e Weather Piireau 

7 : :7i : 7 naioly the weather *or any day, 

7 -7 : 57 : 7 :: : such terms 1^ ""^p^ artlj 

1 - : : ariable,'' and ** peri •iallj 

foggy. ' The Bureau is located on the A c ' the 

]< "fnest i^^yscrapers of Xew York, and i a aK "ting 

7 :o see. (No visitors allowed.) 

Woman's Exchan-ge — Ser r':v:r:e Courr. 



C 49 8 9. li 



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HECKMAN jlpl ifl^; {.O-nK '.^K^* i?^ * 



HECKMAN 

BINDERY INC. |^ 

^^ JAN 89 

N. MANCHESTER, 
INDIANA 46962 










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